Pondering…

I’ve been ruminating on 2 Timothy 2:3 of late which reads, “Thou therefore endure hardness, as a good soldier of Jesus Christ.”
This past year has revealed to me my lack of endurance when trying times come. Or at least, even though I “endured” the challenges, my attitude would not qualify as that of a “good soldier!”
I’m thankful, though, that whenever we come to Jesus, He is ready and willing to save. And so, to His loving arms, I come.
This excerpt, from Sketches from the Life of Paul pages 147-148, presents a picture of how I would like to deal with troublesome times in the future:

“Paul’s ministry in Ephesus had been a season of incessant labor, of many trials, and deep anguish. He taught the people in public and from house to house, instructing and warning them with many tears. He was continually opposed by the unbelieving Jews, who lost no opportunity to stir up the popular feeling against him. Again and again he was attacked by the mob, and subjected to insult and abuse. By every means which they could employ, the enemies of truth sought to destroy the effects of his labor for the salvation of men.

“And while thus battling against opposition, and with untiring zeal pushing forward the gospel work and guarding the interests of a church yet young in the faith, Paul was bearing upon his soul the burden of all the churches. Nor was he released even from the tax of physical labor. Here, as at Corinth, he worked with his own hands to supply his necessities. In weariness and painfulness from unceasing toil and constant danger, enfeebled by disease, and at times depressed in spirits, he steadfastly pursued his work.

“The news which he received, of apostasy in churches of his own planting, caused him deep anguish. He greatly feared that his efforts in their behalf would prove to have been in vain. Many a sleepless night was spent in prayer and earnest thought, as he learned of the new and varied methods employed to counteract his work. As he had opportunity, he wrote to the churches, giving reproof, counsel, admonition, and encouragement, as their state demanded. In his epistles the apostle does not dwell on his own trials, yet there are occasional glimpses of his labors and sufferings in the cause of Christ. Stripes and imprisonment, cold and hunger and thirst, perils by land and sea, in the city and in the wilderness, from his own countrymen, from the heathen, and from false brethren,—all these he endured for the truth’s sake. He was defamed, reviled, “made the offscouring of all things,” “perplexed, persecuted, troubled on every side,” “in jeopardy every hour,” “alway delivered unto death for Jesus’ sake.”

“Amid the constant storm of opposition, the clamor of enemies, and the desertion of friends, the intrepid apostle at times almost lost heart. But he looked back to Calvary, and with new ardor pressed on to spread the knowledge of the Crucified. He was but treading the blood-stained path which Christ had trodden before him. He sought no discharge from the warfare till he should lay off his armor at the feet of his Redeemer.

“Eighteen centuries have passed since the apostle rested from his labors; yet the history of his toils and sacrifices for Christ’s sake are among the most precious treasures of the church. That history was recorded by the Holy Spirit, that the followers of Christ in every age might thereby be incited to greater zeal and faithfulness in the cause of their Master.

“How does this hero of faith tower above the self-indulgent, ease-loving men who are today crowding the ranks of the ministry. When subjected to the ordinary difficulties and trials of life, many feel that their lot is hard. But what have they done or suffered for the cause of Christ? How does their record appear when compared with that of this great apostle? What burden of soul have they felt for the salvation of sinners? They know little of self-denial or sacrifice. They are indebted to the grace of Christ for all the excellences of character which they possess, for every blessing which they enjoy. All that they are, and all that they have, is the purchase of the blood of Christ. As the servants of Christ encounter opposition and persecution, they should not permit their faith to grow dim or their courage to fail. With Christ as a helper, they can resist every foe, and overcome every difficulty. The same obligation rests upon them which impelled the apostle to his unwearied labors. Only those who emulate his fidelity, will share with him the crown of life.”

This morning, I’m so glad I’m a creationist! See, I was just thinking in the shower (the place from whence all brilliance emanates) that to believe that all things just naturally occur is deterministic – that once things are set in motion, they just flow to their determined end: An end determined by the laws of nature, so to speak.

Recently, there has sprouted in my heart, an abiding fear of repeating my parents’ mistakes. You know that third and fourth generation curse…like, what if I’m in the second generation? I’m doomed!
The fear is recent probably because it’s only recently that I’ve been forced to or had the courage to stare into the face of my parents’ failures. Being an idealist, I guess I unwittingly imagined my parents to be perfect. But they’re not perfect. And my entire being rebels against the reality. The truth can be a painful thing.

So, anyways, as I’ve been looking down the barrel of my parents’ shortcomings, I tremble at the possibility that I’m looking into my own future. (Please note, that my parents are not all failures and no successes. In fact, they’re probably mostly successes which eclipsed, for so long, my realization of the failures. I’ve just had to take a long hard look at the other side of the coin…that’s all). If I am my parents’ daughter, then I’ll have the same tendencies that they do…even the not-so-great ones. Hence the fear.

But as I was thinking in the shower, I realized how deterministic that logic is. Who said I have to make the same mistakes that my parents made?! So, that’s what naturally occurs…but I believe in a God who is above nature!
Yes, an object in motion will remain in motion, UNLESS an unbalanced force acts on it. I’m doomed to make the mistakes of my parents, UNLESS God intervenes. And, I believe in the kind of God who does intervene. If He didn’t, the earth would still be without form, and void, and darkness would still cover the face of the earth!

I was well on my way to writing another pessimistic post, this time about having children, when a conversation with a friend, on the topic, revealed a flaw in my perspective. It’s kinda like the whole glass half full or half empty thing…

Focusing on the emptiness breeds fear, you see. But God has not given us a spirit of fear! So it’s un-Christian to focus on the negative.
Ok, so marriages can fail. Spouses can disappoint each other. And yet marriages can also succeed! Spouses can remain faithful. And the home can be happy!
Ok, so having children is scary because you’re responsible for the molding of a life that you could quite easily ruin! Yet, you could also raise children who will bless the world through their influence!

Here’s a quote I read in a book titled, “I Love Books” p405:

“Let me introduce you to two philosophers of the Alexandrian school. Posidippus is one, Metrodorus the other. They will speak to you – first Posidippus:
“What path of life may one hold? In the market place are strifes and hard dealings, in the house cares; in the country labor enough, and at sea terror; and abroad, if thou hast aught, fear, and if thou art in poverty, vexation. Art married? thou wilt not be without anxieties; unmarried? thy life is yet lonelier. Children are troubles; a childless life is a crippled one. Youth is foolish, and gray hairs again feeble. In the end the choice is one of these two: either never to be born, or, as soon as born, to die.”

“Now listen to Metrodorus, who has heard what his fellow philosopher has to say:
“Hold every path of life. In the market place are honors and prudent dealings, in the house rest; in the country the charm of nature, and at sea gain; and abroad, if thou has aught, glory, and if thou art in poverty, thou alone knowest it. Art married? so will thine household be blest; unmarried? thy life is yet lighter. Children are darlings; a childless life is an unanxious one; youth is strong, and gray hairs again reverend. The choice is not then of one of the two, either never to be born or to die; for all things are good in life.”"

Posidippus and Metrodorus make true observations from different angles and that affects their conclusions on whether life is worth living or not. Posidippus’ conclusion is clearly un-Christian for why would God give us life if it weren’t worth living?! But Metrodorus’ conclusion seems unrealistic because really, it’s not all good – what of sin!?

And that’s where God steps in!

See, it was originally all good – in fact, it was goodx6 and very good! But then sin entered the world and now the same plant is a thorn bush and a rose bush at the same time. The thing is, with God, it’s all roses, but without Him, it’s all thorns.
Jesus came and bore the pain so that we could pick the rose. Check out this quote from “Thoughts from the Mount of Blessing” p71:

“The Father’s presence encircled Christ, and nothing befell Him but that which infinite love permitted for the blessing of the world. Here was His source of comfort, and it is for us. He who is imbued with the spirit of Christ abides in Christ. The blow that is aimed at him falls upon the Savior, who surrounds him with His presence. Whatever comes to him comes from Christ. He has no need to resist evil for Christ is his defense. Nothing can touch him except by our Lord’s permission, and “all things” that are permitted “work together for good to them that love God” Romans 8:28″

With confidence in a God who is our shield like that, how could a Christian not stop to smell the roses?! It doesn’t mean the negatives don’t exist. It just means that Christ has taken on all of the negatives for us already and will only permit that which would bless our lives.

I could go on and on about this but one last point and I’ll call it quits for now. Aside from the blatant lack of trust in God that a pessimistic attitude reveals, it also ultimately leads to the fulfillment of the very things we fear! You’re so afraid of making a mistake that the fear paralyzes you into making that very mistake. Moreover, you can’t be trusting God while you’re fearing evil. Here’s a quote I read this morning in “Patriarchs and Prophets” p513 about the Israelites – this is after they finally possessed the Promised Land:

“The cowards and rebels had perished in the wilderness, but the righteous spies ate of the grapes of Eschol. To each was given according to his faith. The unbelieving had seen their fears fulfilled. Notwithstanding God’s promise, they had declared that it was impossible to inherit Canaan, and they did not possess it. But those who trusted in God, looking not so much to the difficulties to be encountered as to the strength of their Almighty Helper, entered the goodly land…”

I want to trust God enough to smell the roses!

It’s such a crazy thing to get married, you know. I mean, you know someone for what, all of 1 or 2 or 3, maybe 5 or 6 years on the lengthy side of things…then you decide that you will spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with them! Waking up next to them…sharing toothpaste even, maybe…sharing groceries, choosing where to live, how much to spend, where to go when…perhaps even producing offspring together! And you’ve known this person for just 3yrs before all of that! Crazy!

My conclusion after pondering this insanity that overtakes humanity, is that there must be some compelling force, that prompts two individuals to choose to do something so risky. Some would call it love. I’m not certain it’s always love. But at the least, life without this other person has to seem worse than the risk of life with this person. Sometimes life with them is better. Sometimes life with them is less bad than life without them. So you take the plunge.

But then, another factor was recently introduced to my musings on this matter…Like they say, it takes two to tango. So to make a relationship work, both parties have to work on the relationship. Well, what if you wake up one day, and the person next to you doesn’t want to work on it any longer? What if 1yr into it, they just up and quit? Or 25yrs into it, they don’t want to put in the effort any longer?

That’s the scariest aspect of mawej to me, right now. Fine, it’ll be hard to meld two lives together (and harder the longer you’re single, I’m sure) but you can do it, if both of you want to do it.

What makes someone decide to stop investing in a relationship that used to mean everything to them?

I guess, in order to take the plunge and make the pledge, you’ve got to demonstrate some level of trust that you’re both in it to succeed. But the “what ifs” are real! And they’ve come true too many times to ignore . So what do you do?

Psalm 146:3 comes to mind. Trust no-one! People will always let you down. It’s not always malicious. In fact, most times, it’s a genuine mistake. But at the end of the day, whether in malice or mistake, people will let you down.

But God. He will never fail you. If anything, we’re always failing Him. But He’ll never take back a pledge He’s made, won’t forget a promise, won’t quit on ya. We can trust Him!

Here’s what I figure. Perhaps if instead of working on their relationship, a couple worked, together and individually, on their relationship with God, then God, who never fails, will help them keep their relationship together. So that while you cannot trust your spouse, you can trust God to keep them committed to you.

Come to think of it, it’s not just your spouse you can’t trust…You can’t trust yourself!

I’ve been driving for seven years now and I figured a post about what the experience has been like for me is in order given the significance of this year in this respect. I’ll begin with why I wanted to drive.

From a young age, I just knew I was born to drive. Riding in a car, I would find myself checking how smooth the stop and go was and found a natural respect for the smoothest operators. My Dad was one.The friend who taught me to drive was one too.
Another friend introduced me to the pet peeve for folk who keep their foot on the brakes for inordinate periods of time. You don’t always need to step on the brakes to stop. Sometimes, just letting off the accelerator will do.

It was my goal to get my license as soon as I turned 16 but with no car and no money of my own, I was at the mercy of parents who seemed not to comprehend the urgency of this task. So it wasn’t until I l was firmly grounded in my college career that I found friends willing to risk their wheels on me.
Speaking of risk, my first lesson was in a minivan with a toddler in the back seat! Somehow, timing only worked out for that friend to give me but one lesson…

• A good driver is always aware of what’s going on around her
• Your stop and go should be so smooth that your passengers can’t even tell that you’d stopped
• When you switch lanes, it should feel, to your passengers, like you were still in the same lane
• Assuming the space is large enough, you should complete a parallel parking job in two fluid moves
• Always check that the temperature is comfortable for your passengers (except on a long road trip – then driver’s preference takes precedence!)

Striving for perfection in my art has made driving a pleasurable experience. See, it’s not just about getting to where you’re going, but it’s also about how you get there, what you learn on your way; it’s about the experience of driving too.

For someone who prides herself as a pretty good and safe driver, you can imagine the shame and disappointment when she finds herself with points on her license. Yep. I got points on my license! One for speeding and two for driving the wrong way on a one way.

The speeding one was in Ohio. Need I say more? Ohio cops are known to be ruthless in dishing out those tickets, so I really should have been going a lot closer to the speed limit. But when you’re looking at nine more hours on the road and there’s a caravan of speeding cars, you can easily find yourself going 80 in a 65. Granted, this guy stopped me for going 85 in a 65 – which I never go over 80, ever – so the ticket was really meant for one of the other guys in our caravan… But he gave the ticket to me for going 15 over, and I was going 15 over, so my guilty conscience couldn’t argue, couldn’t even ask for mercy – I deserved the ticket

And driving the wrong way on a one way? Well, the road was usually two way but because of construction, they had converted it into a one way. I didn’t see the signs! Seriously, I didn’t! But I got the ticket. And when I got to court, the judge said, sympathetically, “People make mistakes and it doesn’t make you a bad driver. But since there were signs, you have to pay the fine.” So I paid and I got points.

That courtroom experience was quite fascinating actually. It showed me how brutal the law can be when you’re on the wrong side of it. While it’s there to protect us, when you cross it, it condemns you right quick! Unfortunately, I didn’t have a redeemer to pay the price for me.

In spite of my recent challenges with the law as a driver, I would say, I still enjoy the experience. I love road trips! I’m even seriously thinking about trekking it to Texas… ~20hrs! Only if the folk who’d have to go with me are down…

“God often brings men to a crisis to show them their own weakness and to point them to the source of strength. If they pray and watch unto prayer, fighting bravely, their weak points will become their strong points. Jacob’s experience contains many valuable lessons for us. God taught Jacob that in his own strength he could never gain the victory, that he must wrestle with God for strength from above.”
2MCP 454.2

I’ll tell you what, I’m always tempted to just mentally check out until the difficulty abates so I don’t have to deal with it head on. But no strength is gained that way and loss is sustained. As hard as it is to face challenges and actually work through them, it’s the only prescription for growth.

It was probably during my first year of college that I realized that feelings are very important to me. When I’m done with the rational/theological analyses and I still have two options, I’ll go with the one that feels right. But what happens when the feeling comes before you’ve had time to analyse?
I’d need to look back in my journals for what the specific Bible study was about, but that year, I was introduced to the concept of faith vs feeling and I realized that much of my so-called faith was really feelings based.

In the garden of Eden, when Eve ate the fruit, nothing about the experience felt wrong: It looked nutritious, pleasant to the eye, and logically desirable if it would make her wise. The only thing censuring her course of action was the clear Word of God. She couldn’t trust her experience, as compelling as it was. But she could trust God’s Word which is living and powerful and a discerner of the thoughts and intents of the heart.

It’s been a while since I had an experience so palpable it struck with resounding force at the core of this faith vs feeling controversy in my life… Where my heart yells out one thing and my body agrees with it: But in the stillness of my time with God, the true reality is made plain and I cannot, in safety, follow my heart.

It’s been a while since I had to give up something I really wanted because it was the right thing to do. Unfortunately, it’s not because there aren’t things in my life I should have given up a long time ago. But this time, if I couldn’t let this one go, I would end up hurting people I care very deeply about – and the knowledge of that provided the extra impetus.

Every fiber of my being screams that I’m doing the wrong thing in letting this one go. But faith trusts God’s wisdom above my experience and I know it will all work out.

My friend has this book titled, “Please Understand Me II: Temperament, Character, Intelligence” by David Keirsey. There’s a test in there to ascertain which of the 16 temperaments or hybrids thereof you fall into. The book then goes on to delve into characteristics of each temperament giving details about social interactions, dating life, married life, child rearing habits, and even jobs you’d gravitate towards! It’s quite an extensive analysis.

When Justin read my temperament description, I was fighting back the tears. It was like he were reading out of my private journal. I’d say it was 90% accurate. Maybe even 95%…Freaky!
Seriously, there were some statements in there that I had, almost verbatim, said to a friend earlier this year. Things I have just discovered about myself penned out by a total stranger. I felt exposed and it was uncomfortable.

Many thoughts have come to mind with regards to this experience since. First was the temptation to now model my inner life in accordance with the spoken word. I had to consciously remind myself that I am not defined by what that book says of me. That it was a descriptive analysis not a prescriptive one.

Next was the urge to excuse my behavior as the mere outworking of who I am. But then I realized that who I am is not static. My choices and my experiences have shaped me and will continue to do so. There may be things about me that aren’t very useful – they can change – I have the choice to change them!

My thoughts then turned to the virtue of a test like the one I took. I took it with my current roommate, my previous roommate and one of my closest friends. They didn’t find their analyses to hit as close to home as did mine. But for those things that were true, it validated our uniqueness and for me, gave insight into how to better invest in those relationships.

It took an intense year of self-discovery for me to accede many of the things in my temperament analysis. So much that I don’t think the result of the test would have been the same at this time last year. Almost as if you’ve already got to know yourself pretty well to test an accurate result. In that sense, the analysis was affirming. And in that same sense I wouldn’t swear by temperament tests.

When my description was read, I felt like my life was laid bare in so plain language that it was frightening to hear. But it is the painful experiences of this past year that have opened my eyes to certain important realities of who I am. So I thank the pain for being my teacher and exposing me.

I imagine that the day of judgment will bear some similarities to that temperament testing exposition. As the Searcher of hearts lays bare the innermost workings of every man, woman and child…finally, fatefully, exposed.

Yesterday I participated in a half-ironman distance triathlon.

What had happened was…my friend, Judy found out that I’d done a 40mile bike ride, on a mountain bike, off the cuff three years ago. She only found out because we were talking about the pain of sitting on a bike seat for hours and I said I could relate. The difference was that she was in training for the 56mile bike ride in the kuparisaari tri. When I was dragged into that gruesome ride, on the other hand, I had not sat on a bike for maybe 15yrs. The pain in my rear after those 40miles led me to vow sincerely never to touch a bike again!

One of the teams doing the kuparisaari tri had lost their biker and they’d been searching unsuccessfully to find one. If I could do 40miles with no training, maybe I could finish the 56miles with training. They’d even give me a bike. With two months to prepare, I said “yes.” And I’m glad for it. Because I discovered a joy I’d never experienced before in physical exercise. I looked forward to getting on the bike, learning how to balance on road bike tires, change gears, ride one-handed (someday hands-free), ride standing, and it was encouraging to feel myself getting stronger each time I got on the bike.

The problem was that I didn’t get on the bike as often as I needed to! First Campmeeting. Then CAMPUS l.e.a.d.s.: The Braxton wedding: The Schauer wedding: Apartment moving weekend: ASI and Ministerial. Just one open weekend the whole time and with the travel weariness, I must have only gotten 2week’s worth of training in. Voi kauhea!

The night before our race, David’s devotional focused on the parallels between the Christian race and the one we’d be doing the next morning. He mentioned how the race we were doing was only a revelation of the preparation we had put in beforehand. It’s like the day of judgment. The time for preparation is past and your secret life is laid bare.

As part of my training, I psychologically prepared myself for all the people who would be passing me by on the ride. I also knew I’d be the last in the pack. But I wasn’t prepared for The Nay-Sayers on my trail all the way from the halfway point till they picked me up to take me back to transition.
I had a water bottle in my back pocket and couldn’t use my left hand to help me get it, so just before the killer hill, I decided to stop and have a drink. As I was mounting my bike again, the car pulled up and, in brief, offered me a ride back if I needed it. I thanked them, told them I was just having a drink, and that I would be continuing.

That hill between Gay and Mohawk was ridiculous! I thought I was going to die. My quads have never burned so badly. That’s when I started talking to myself. “Come on!” “Arghhhh!” “You can do this.” Those were the most oft repeated phrases from that point on. I guess I felt the need for cheerleaders – which, by the way, Amy, David, Tennille and Kimmy were awesome cheerers! – but they only drove by once, and that before the killer hill. Oh, and I remember #52 who, rather than just passing me by with a “you’re doing great” comment like all the other riders, stopped to chat for a bit before leaving me with words of encouragement. That must have messed up his time quite a bit, but it made my day!

Halfway up that hill, I couldn’t stand the pain. So I stopped and walked a bit with my legs still straddling the bike because I was afraid that if I got off The Nay-Sayers would come and get me. Sure enough, they pulled up beside me, asked me if I was alright, then counselled me to just sit on the side of the road and they would come and pick me up whenever I was ready. Was I looking so bad they thought I should quit? I could just be blanking, but I don’t ever remember being discouraged so directly from attempting to accomplish a goal. Yea, “nay-sayers” said Zimbabwean girls couldn’t succeed academically because all they were good for was to be somebody’s wife. But no-one ever said that to my face! So I fought to beat the odds.

I made it past that hill but there they were, right behind me for the rest of the race. They would drive past me a few miles then stop and wait for me, say a few more words to bring me down as I rode past them, and then repeat…
Oddly enough, their nay-saying pushed me up a few hills pretty fast. I was afraid they were behind me, ready to see me fail so they could pick me up.

Alanna came by to check on me and said I had just one more hill then it would be downhill from there. I didn’t realize that the “one hill” was more like a series of small hills in succession. So I was pushing every hill, thinking “this is the last one” then there was another, and another. But with every hill I thought, or said out loud, “Come on, push through the burn past this last one!”

My goal for the race was to make it back before the cut-off time so that Robert could do the run. Myra had bought me a significant amount of time with her awesome swim time. I knew everyone back at transition was rooting for me, praying for me. My lower back was hurting so much I couldn’t even feel the pain in my left hand sprain anymore. I had quit thinking about the pain in my rear. But I knew I could go the distance and I was praying I’d be miraculously in time!

Enter The Nay-Sayers. “The race is just about over and you still have a long way to go, so we could just pick you up now,” they said. My heart sank. I’d failed to meet my goal! I’d failed my team! I had failed. All that pain for nothing.

I considered continuing just so I could say I finished the race but they had said I had a long way to go and I wanted Robert to run even if it wouldn’t count towards our race time. So, I stopped and they brought me back to transition. I felt so defeated!

Turns out…I had just 5miles to go with one or two hills between and the rest was “hold your brakes” downhill. Furthermore, the race had started late that morning, so when they stopped me, I actually had 15mins still on the clock. Could have made it back in time. So now I was mad at myself for listening to The Nay-Sayers! And that’s my one regret from the race.

I worked hard that whole race, so hard. I really pushed myself – my longest ride in training had been about 25miles. All that, only to buckle under the pressure of The Nay-Sayers so near the end! I no longer feel defeated for not finishing the race. No, no, that feeling has been replaced with disappointment in myself for listening to The Nay-Sayers!

So, a few commitments I’ve made:

1. Not to listen to the nagging Nay-Sayers in my life
2. Train, train, train, for next summer
3. Be a #52 for someone else
4. Oh, and maybe for my next race I should have a watch a odometer, so I can know the truth for myself

The Gang

It was a great weekend. This reflection was just on my race experience but so many really neat things transpired! Like, Israel and John finishing the whole thing; Team Revolution I coming in first place for the relay; Super fun fellowship and meeting new friends like Myra; And as always hanging with the Ramos boys – they’re so awesome!

Ps: voi kauhea was me, Rob and Myra’s unofficial team name – it’s Finnish for “that’s terrible.” Long story…

Here are highlights from the news this morning. Front page of the BBC news:

Norway Youth Camp Attack Kills 84
White House Debt Talks Collapse
Sunday Mirror Phone-Hacking Claim
Ohio Ex-Marine Murdered 11 Women
Heatwave Record For US and Canada
UK Prime Minister Wants Murdoch Answers
Higgs Hunt Results Excite Scientists
Obama Signs Gay Military Ban End
Chavez Ends First Chemotherapy

And that’s just front page highlights!
When you’ve spent all your life hearing about how stuff like this will happen one day, it’s kinda surreal to witness it on the front news all in one day. Time is short.