Pondering…

My friend got me reading this article that got me thinking about womanhood.

I’m no feminist, but as the Bible teaches, I believe that men and women were created equal though different. Somewhere along the line, the woman came to be defined by her child-bearing capacity. Then, the counter-swing so emphasizes everything but that capability.

What defines me as a woman? I mean, in a perfect world, what would a perfect woman look like? And I’m thinking beyond the Proverbs 31 woman because not every woman will have the privilege of a family of her own. God leads godly women to lives of singleness too.

There are so many dimensions to this intellectual exercise in definitions of womanhood that I’m thinking about considering this the introduction to a series of reflections on the topic. Hmm.

My conclusion for today, on this topic, is that I, as a woman, am not defined by my womb. Neither am I defined by my brain. My ultimate goal is not to achieve worldly praise in my career. Nor is my single aspiration to marry and be fruitful in multiplication.

What, or rather, Who defines me, is God. He may choose to give me a family…He may choose to give me a prosperous career…He may choose not to give me either…Whatever He chooses for me, is who I will be. And it is only in living to the fullness of His calling that I will find fulfillment.

More thoughts on womanity forthcoming

You have faced the mountains of desperation;
You have climbed…you have fought…you have won…
But this valley that lies, cold, before you
Cast a shadow you cannot overcome…

And just when you thought you had it all together…
You knew every verse to get you through;
But this time all the sorrow broke more than just your heart
And reciting all those verses just won’t do.

When answers aren’t enough, there is Jesus!
He is more than just an answer to your prayer.
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge.
When answers aren’t enough, He’s there!

Instead of asking, “Why did it happen?”
Think of where it can lead you from here.
And as your pain is slowly easing
You can find a better reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears.

When answers aren’t enough, there is Jesus!
He is more than just an answer to your prayer.
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge.
When answers aren’t enough, He’s there!

After several friends from intersecting friend groups pestered me for months, I finally joined Pinterest last week. Granted, it wasn’t to appease them that I succumbed…rather, it was because I’m helping a friend with a project and he, being out of the country, directed me to his Pinterest for guidance on what to do.

There’s no way I’d ever get into this, was my first impression after joining. (Oh, for those learning about Pinterest for the first time, I’d summarize it as a personal wall where you pin pictures of interest to you.) I wondered where anyone would ever find anything to pin here. Do you go online to browse the internet for things to pin? And how could you ever figure out whose accounts to follow other than your friends’?

In the four days since I joined, I’ve received an average of four emails per day, informing me of a new follower to my pins. All from friends, of course, who are probably just doing the courteous thing to welcome me to another procrastination device. What has struck me, though, is the response those email notifications evoked in me…

Seemingly out of nowhere, I found myself thinking about my audience. How shall I portray myself to them? What impression would I like for them to have of me based on my pins? Before I was even aware of it, I got caught up in fabricating an image of myself for a pass-time I’m not even certain I’ll keep up with!

This realization has spurred many, many thoughts that I’ll probably come back to flesh out at some point here…How to find the balance between decorum and authenticity…Self-image versus projected persona…My blogging philosophy…Leadership when you actually have followers…The wall versus the timeline on facebook…etc etc etc…

So anyway, I’m on Pinterest…for now Let me know if you’d like an invitation!

There’s a song by Chris Rice titled “Big Enough” that asks a lot of questions. It’s on one of my work-music playlists so sometimes, I’ll hear it several times in one day. As it played yesterday, the lyrics finally became audible.

“God, if You’re there, I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions…”

My brother (whom I love and adore!) used to torment me as a child. He slapped me around to make me tougher. Made me sing while running to increase my lung capacity. Threatened to make me read the book of Revelation, which, back then, I thought was just full of scary monsters! All of these things made me a stronger person. One of the greatest gifts he gave me, though, was permission to question my faith.

You’ll understand, that for a young girl who grew up in the church, questions like, “Does God even really exist?” can be traumatizing. So, when he would bring up like topics, I’d fight really hard to dismiss them from my mind. “How do you know that what you believe is the truth?” “What if the Bible isn’t actually God’s Word?”

The scariest thing about these questions was the possibility that my answers would contradict the faith I had been raised in. What if I came to the conclusion that God didn’t exist? What if my church wasn’t God’s true church? Or what if the Bible wasn’t the inspired Word of God? I was afraid to ask the questions…

Memory fails me for the timeline, but I remember, at some point during my early teens, my parents told me that if ever I found that the church I grew up in did not follow the Bible, I should leave and join a church that does. They were both converts to the faith. They raised me in the church they believed to be true to the Word of God, but my allegiance was not to be to this church. Rather, I was to be true to God’s Word, even if it led me out of the faith I’d been raised in.

Who knows how serious they were with that liberty? But at least it gave me a freedom that engendered security. You’d have to be confident in what you believe to allow your child to question it. Ooh, or maybe it was reverse psychology…so I wouldn’t actually ask the questions? I started asking them anyway. With a lot of fear at first…hoping I’d end up where I’d started; then with greater confidence that asking was the right thing to do.

The God I believe in is the kind of God who wants to be known – hence, the Bible. He does everything He can to disclose Himself to humanity (Hebrews 1:1-3). Assuming He exists and that this is true of Him, then why wouldn’t He answer my sincere questions?

Rather than spending my life afraid to look into legitimate matters that present themselves to my thoughts for consideration, I’ve embraced the questions. So far, I still believe that God exists. I still believe in the Bible as His inspired Word. And I am still a part of the faith I was brought up in. I hope to remain intellectually honest as time progresses, to remain true to myself and to the things I believe to be true.

The refrain to Chris Rice’s song ends:

“I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough…”

When the weather started turning chilly, I took the air out of my bike tires and brought it inside. But having experienced the joy of exercise, I actually couldn’t bear the idea of a sedentary life all winter long. So I laced my running shoes…haha, actually, more like, strapped my vibrams, and ran off in search of runners’ high.

Along with runners’ high, though, I found runners’ knee. You see, when I first started running, I could only go so far before my heart was beating so hard I thought it’d pop out of my chest. But after several weeks, I was doing 2miles, easy. My goal was a 5k for Thanksgiving.

That didn’t happen, because I was too busy spending time with friends on Thanksgiving, so I went out to make up for it the next day. It was a beautiful day. Sun shining, uncharacteristically for so near December. Cool enough to feel thoroughly invigorating. Warm enough for just a t-shirt. I’d done about 3miles but I felt like I could just keep on going!

So, I did. I kept running. That was my longest run yet. Pathetic, I know, for those marathoners out there, but an accomplishment for little me! I wondered how far I could go before getting tired. And the little pain in my left knee…it’d go away once I stopped, right?

I upped the distance too drastically…probably didn’t even realize my form disintegrating the longer I ran. So, here I am, 2months later…that pain in my left knee…not gone!

It was so beautiful yesterday, I took a break in the middle of the day to go for a run. I almost completed a mile before my knee started complaining again. Argh. It’s so frustrating! Now that my heart can do it, my body won’t.

As I limped home, upset with my body, I realized something. My knee is as much a part of my body, as is my heart. When my heart was too weak to go the distance, I worked with it. I took the time to condition it, to strengthen it, so that it could endure. Why then, was I so short fused when it came to my knee? It was my neglect, in the first place, that led to its pain.

Reminded me of the sermon at church 2weeks ago “The Same Spirit.”

You know what else? When my heart was too weak, I would say that, “I cannot run more than a quarter mile.” But now that it’s my knee limiting me, I say, “My knee won’t let me run more than a mile.” It’s as if I’d embraced a certain dualism with regards to my being. A flawed dualism! Or is dualism, in essence flawed?

So it’s nice outside again today. But I won’t be going for a run. I finally acquiesced and bought a knee brace. If my knee can’t do it, then I can’t do it because my knee and me, we are one.

The year 2011 goes down in the history of my life as the toughest year yet. And where there are challenges, there are lessons to be learnt. So here are the top 3 lessons I learnt this past year:

Lesson #1

Love at first sight does, indeed, exist

Okay, well, maybe not love at first sight, really…because you grow to love someone. But, to adopt a well-coined phrase, “recognition of potential at initial observation” or “ropaio” can actually happen. What happens after the ropaio is another story Taking a broad sweep of my year, this lesson came at a time when my belief in romantic love and subsequent marriage was waning. I still think that Hollywood and its rom-com industry has done my generation a great disservice, but now I believe, again, that God can write even better love stories!

Lesson #2

Unfaithfulness to God is never self-contained

The decisions we make in the privacy of our own minds have repercussions in the world of our influence. The reality of every individuals influence is an exciting notion when we are leading others in the right direction. On the other hand, it becomes a bitter pill when those we care about are hurt by our bad choices. It’s never just about me.

Lesson #3

My parents are human

A child’s parents are as God to them; their word is law; they are provider. I was blessed to be raised by God-fearing parents and it’s easy to, in a sense, idolize “perfect” parents. But one of the marks of mature adulthood is a healthy relationship with your parents. They make mistakes. They hurt each other and they hurt you. They can no longer provide for your needs. You may even disagree with them at times. And yet, in spite of these things, you still love and honor them.

So simple now that I’ve summarized them, but it took a painful year filled with disappointment and regret to learn these lessons. To be fair, I also experienced encouragement to buttress the disappointment, salvation for my regrets and hope that runs deeper than the pain.
I have a new determination coming out of my 2011 experience, and that is that no matter what 2012 brings, I want to go it with Jesus!

This morning, I’m so glad I’m a creationist! See, I was just thinking in the shower (the place from whence all brilliance emanates) that to believe that all things just naturally occur is deterministic – that once things are set in motion, they just flow to their determined end: An end determined by the laws of nature, so to speak.

Recently, there has sprouted in my heart, an abiding fear of repeating my parents’ mistakes. You know that third and fourth generation curse…like, what if I’m in the second generation? I’m doomed!
The fear is recent probably because it’s only recently that I’ve been forced to or had the courage to stare into the face of my parents’ failures. Being an idealist, I guess I unwittingly imagined my parents to be perfect. But they’re not perfect. And my entire being rebels against the reality. The truth can be a painful thing.

So, anyways, as I’ve been looking down the barrel of my parents’ shortcomings, I tremble at the possibility that I’m looking into my own future. (Please note, that my parents are not all failures and no successes. In fact, they’re probably mostly successes which eclipsed, for so long, my realization of the failures. I’ve just had to take a long hard look at the other side of the coin…that’s all). If I am my parents’ daughter, then I’ll have the same tendencies that they do…even the not-so-great ones. Hence the fear.

But as I was thinking in the shower, I realized how deterministic that logic is. Who said I have to make the same mistakes that my parents made?! So, that’s what naturally occurs…but I believe in a God who is above nature!
Yes, an object in motion will remain in motion, UNLESS an unbalanced force acts on it. I’m doomed to make the mistakes of my parents, UNLESS God intervenes. And, I believe in the kind of God who does intervene. If He didn’t, the earth would still be without form, and void, and darkness would still cover the face of the earth!

I was well on my way to writing another pessimistic post, this time about having children, when a conversation with a friend, on the topic, revealed a flaw in my perspective. It’s kinda like the whole glass half full or half empty thing…

Focusing on the emptiness breeds fear, you see. But God has not given us a spirit of fear! So it’s un-Christian to focus on the negative.
Ok, so marriages can fail. Spouses can disappoint each other. And yet marriages can also succeed! Spouses can remain faithful. And the home can be happy!
Ok, so having children is scary because you’re responsible for the molding of a life that you could quite easily ruin! Yet, you could also raise children who will bless the world through their influence!

Here’s a quote I read in a book titled, “I Love Books” p405:

“Let me introduce you to two philosophers of the Alexandrian school. Posidippus is one, Metrodorus the other. They will speak to you – first Posidippus:
“What path of life may one hold? In the market place are strifes and hard dealings, in the house cares; in the country labor enough, and at sea terror; and abroad, if thou hast aught, fear, and if thou art in poverty, vexation. Art married? thou wilt not be without anxieties; unmarried? thy life is yet lonelier. Children are troubles; a childless life is a crippled one. Youth is foolish, and gray hairs again feeble. In the end the choice is one of these two: either never to be born, or, as soon as born, to die.”

“Now listen to Metrodorus, who has heard what his fellow philosopher has to say:
“Hold every path of life. In the market place are honors and prudent dealings, in the house rest; in the country the charm of nature, and at sea gain; and abroad, if thou has aught, glory, and if thou art in poverty, thou alone knowest it. Art married? so will thine household be blest; unmarried? thy life is yet lighter. Children are darlings; a childless life is an unanxious one; youth is strong, and gray hairs again reverend. The choice is not then of one of the two, either never to be born or to die; for all things are good in life.”"

Posidippus and Metrodorus make true observations from different angles and that affects their conclusions on whether life is worth living or not. Posidippus’ conclusion is clearly un-Christian for why would God give us life if it weren’t worth living?! But Metrodorus’ conclusion seems unrealistic because really, it’s not all good – what of sin!?

And that’s where God steps in!

See, it was originally all good – in fact, it was goodx6 and very good! But then sin entered the world and now the same plant is a thorn bush and a rose bush at the same time. The thing is, with God, it’s all roses, but without Him, it’s all thorns.
Jesus came and bore the pain so that we could pick the rose. Check out this quote from “Thoughts from the Mount of Blessing” p71:

“The Father’s presence encircled Christ, and nothing befell Him but that which infinite love permitted for the blessing of the world. Here was His source of comfort, and it is for us. He who is imbued with the spirit of Christ abides in Christ. The blow that is aimed at him falls upon the Savior, who surrounds him with His presence. Whatever comes to him comes from Christ. He has no need to resist evil for Christ is his defense. Nothing can touch him except by our Lord’s permission, and “all things” that are permitted “work together for good to them that love God” Romans 8:28″

With confidence in a God who is our shield like that, how could a Christian not stop to smell the roses?! It doesn’t mean the negatives don’t exist. It just means that Christ has taken on all of the negatives for us already and will only permit that which would bless our lives.

I could go on and on about this but one last point and I’ll call it quits for now. Aside from the blatant lack of trust in God that a pessimistic attitude reveals, it also ultimately leads to the fulfillment of the very things we fear! You’re so afraid of making a mistake that the fear paralyzes you into making that very mistake. Moreover, you can’t be trusting God while you’re fearing evil. Here’s a quote I read this morning in “Patriarchs and Prophets” p513 about the Israelites – this is after they finally possessed the Promised Land:

“The cowards and rebels had perished in the wilderness, but the righteous spies ate of the grapes of Eschol. To each was given according to his faith. The unbelieving had seen their fears fulfilled. Notwithstanding God’s promise, they had declared that it was impossible to inherit Canaan, and they did not possess it. But those who trusted in God, looking not so much to the difficulties to be encountered as to the strength of their Almighty Helper, entered the goodly land…”

I want to trust God enough to smell the roses!

It’s such a crazy thing to get married, you know. I mean, you know someone for what, all of 1 or 2 or 3, maybe 5 or 6 years on the lengthy side of things…then you decide that you will spend THE REST OF YOUR LIFE with them! Waking up next to them…sharing toothpaste even, maybe…sharing groceries, choosing where to live, how much to spend, where to go when…perhaps even producing offspring together! And you’ve known this person for just 3yrs before all of that! Crazy!

My conclusion after pondering this insanity that overtakes humanity, is that there must be some compelling force, that prompts two individuals to choose to do something so risky. Some would call it love. I’m not certain it’s always love. But at the least, life without this other person has to seem worse than the risk of life with this person. Sometimes life with them is better. Sometimes life with them is less bad than life without them. So you take the plunge.

But then, another factor was recently introduced to my musings on this matter…Like they say, it takes two to tango. So to make a relationship work, both parties have to work on the relationship. Well, what if you wake up one day, and the person next to you doesn’t want to work on it any longer? What if 1yr into it, they just up and quit? Or 25yrs into it, they don’t want to put in the effort any longer?

That’s the scariest aspect of mawej to me, right now. Fine, it’ll be hard to meld two lives together (and harder the longer you’re single, I’m sure) but you can do it, if both of you want to do it.

What makes someone decide to stop investing in a relationship that used to mean everything to them?

I guess, in order to take the plunge and make the pledge, you’ve got to demonstrate some level of trust that you’re both in it to succeed. But the “what ifs” are real! And they’ve come true too many times to ignore . So what do you do?

Psalm 146:3 comes to mind. Trust no-one! People will always let you down. It’s not always malicious. In fact, most times, it’s a genuine mistake. But at the end of the day, whether in malice or mistake, people will let you down.

But God. He will never fail you. If anything, we’re always failing Him. But He’ll never take back a pledge He’s made, won’t forget a promise, won’t quit on ya. We can trust Him!

Here’s what I figure. Perhaps if instead of working on their relationship, a couple worked, together and individually, on their relationship with God, then God, who never fails, will help them keep their relationship together. So that while you cannot trust your spouse, you can trust God to keep them committed to you.

Come to think of it, it’s not just your spouse you can’t trust…You can’t trust yourself!

I’ve been driving for seven years now and I figured a post about what the experience has been like for me is in order given the significance of this year in this respect. I’ll begin with why I wanted to drive.

From a young age, I just knew I was born to drive. Riding in a car, I would find myself checking how smooth the stop and go was and found a natural respect for the smoothest operators. My Dad was one.The friend who taught me to drive was one too.
Another friend introduced me to the pet peeve for folk who keep their foot on the brakes for inordinate periods of time. You don’t always need to step on the brakes to stop. Sometimes, just letting off the accelerator will do.

It was my goal to get my license as soon as I turned 16 but with no car and no money of my own, I was at the mercy of parents who seemed not to comprehend the urgency of this task. So it wasn’t until I l was firmly grounded in my college career that I found friends willing to risk their wheels on me.
Speaking of risk, my first lesson was in a minivan with a toddler in the back seat! Somehow, timing only worked out for that friend to give me but one lesson…

• A good driver is always aware of what’s going on around her
• Your stop and go should be so smooth that your passengers can’t even tell that you’d stopped
• When you switch lanes, it should feel, to your passengers, like you were still in the same lane
• Assuming the space is large enough, you should complete a parallel parking job in two fluid moves
• Always check that the temperature is comfortable for your passengers (except on a long road trip – then driver’s preference takes precedence!)

Striving for perfection in my art has made driving a pleasurable experience. See, it’s not just about getting to where you’re going, but it’s also about how you get there, what you learn on your way; it’s about the experience of driving too.

For someone who prides herself as a pretty good and safe driver, you can imagine the shame and disappointment when she finds herself with points on her license. Yep. I got points on my license! One for speeding and two for driving the wrong way on a one way.

The speeding one was in Ohio. Need I say more? Ohio cops are known to be ruthless in dishing out those tickets, so I really should have been going a lot closer to the speed limit. But when you’re looking at nine more hours on the road and there’s a caravan of speeding cars, you can easily find yourself going 80 in a 65. Granted, this guy stopped me for going 85 in a 65 – which I never go over 80, ever – so the ticket was really meant for one of the other guys in our caravan… But he gave the ticket to me for going 15 over, and I was going 15 over, so my guilty conscience couldn’t argue, couldn’t even ask for mercy – I deserved the ticket

And driving the wrong way on a one way? Well, the road was usually two way but because of construction, they had converted it into a one way. I didn’t see the signs! Seriously, I didn’t! But I got the ticket. And when I got to court, the judge said, sympathetically, “People make mistakes and it doesn’t make you a bad driver. But since there were signs, you have to pay the fine.” So I paid and I got points.

That courtroom experience was quite fascinating actually. It showed me how brutal the law can be when you’re on the wrong side of it. While it’s there to protect us, when you cross it, it condemns you right quick! Unfortunately, I didn’t have a redeemer to pay the price for me.

In spite of my recent challenges with the law as a driver, I would say, I still enjoy the experience. I love road trips! I’m even seriously thinking about trekking it to Texas… ~20hrs! Only if the folk who’d have to go with me are down…