Thing is, I’ve been meaning to write something concerning Whitney Houston. She was so gifted! A friend introduced me to her performance of The Star Spangled Banner at the 1991 Superbowl – sent chills down my spine; so seamlessly, artfully, executed: made me proud to be American! Wait a minute, I’m not American…That’s just how good it was – made me want to be American so I could be proud to be American haha. Nothing else does that to me!

There’s the fact that she started out singing gospel then gradually veered from that. The fact her Mom traveled with every tour. Her marriage to Bobby Brown. Her struggle with drug addiction. So many thinking points from her life…

But as I thought about thinking about Whitney Houston’s life, you know what really struck me? It was the question of what people would say of me when I die. Placed under the celebrity’s scrutiny, how would my life fare?

Then I was listening to a discussion, on npr, concerning the pentagon’s announcement of frontline positions opening up for women in the military. What do I think about that? I’m all for equal opportunity in the work force, but the frontline is no place for a woman. Hold on, the frontline is no place for anybody! What lies at the root of this gender discrimination in warfare? And is it ok?

And what about military intervention in Syria? Being from a small politically-troubled country in Africa, I have, in the past, found myself wishing America would do something to help the victimized people of my nation. It wouldn’t take much, I don’t think…

But I’ve come to realize that nations should have sovereignty, which means that they have the freedom and responsibility of solving their own problems.

It’s like a married couple, right. They’ve got to work through their own squabbles and disagreements by themselves. Something’s got to be terribly, terribly wrong for outside intervention to be made necessary. But where do you draw the lines? It’s tricky. Where would I, as a Christian, draw the line?

But before I could blog about these things, Valentines’ Day rolled around and it seems every status update on facebook has to do with it.

So do I ignore it, or do I blog it?

Well, this is my most earnest attempt to blog it…

Happy Valentines’ Day people

I’m no feminist, but as the Bible teaches, I believe that men and women were created equal though different. Somewhere along the line, the woman came to be defined by her child-bearing capacity. Then, the counter-swing so emphasizes everything but that capability.

What defines me as a woman? I mean, in a perfect world, what would a perfect woman look like? And I’m thinking beyond the Proverbs 31 woman because not every woman will have the privilege of a family of her own. God leads godly women to lives of singleness too.

There are so many dimensions to this intellectual exercise in definitions of womanhood that I’m thinking about considering this the introduction to a series of reflections on the topic. Hmm.

My conclusion for today, on this topic, is that I, as a woman, am not defined by my womb. Neither am I defined by my brain. My ultimate goal is not to achieve worldly praise in my career. Nor is my single aspiration to marry and be fruitful in multiplication.

What, or rather, Who defines me, is God. He may choose to give me a family…He may choose to give me a prosperous career…He may choose not to give me either…Whatever He chooses for me, is who I will be. And it is only in living to the fullness of His calling that I will find fulfillment.

More thoughts on womanity forthcoming

Theory One

My feet are shrinking. There are multiple sub-theories to this one. Two of my favorites go as follows:

• It could be a degenerative condition associated with ageing…
• It could be that running in vibrams has increased the use of muscles in my feet leading to a leaner look… (see “Born to Run“)

Theory Two

Shoe companies are switching the standard for shoe size in a conspiracy to make me self-conscious. This happened to me with clothes sizes before. I went from a 4 to a 0 without losing a pound! I mean, I really don’t have that much to lose . Express probably told Nine West it was their turn to pull a fast one on me.

Irrespective of the cause, the effect is incontrovertible  - my shoe size is decreasing!

And just when you thought you had it all together…
You knew every verse to get you through;
But this time all the sorrow broke more than just your heart
And reciting all those verses just won’t do.

When answers aren’t enough, there is Jesus!
He is more than just an answer to your prayer.
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge.
When answers aren’t enough, He’s there!

Instead of asking, “Why did it happen?”
Think of where it can lead you from here.
And as your pain is slowly easing
You can find a better reason
To live your life triumphant through the tears.

When answers aren’t enough, there is Jesus!
He is more than just an answer to your prayer.
And your heart will find a safe and peaceful refuge.
When answers aren’t enough, He’s there!

There’s no way I’d ever get into this, was my first impression after joining. (Oh, for those learning about Pinterest for the first time, I’d summarize it as a personal wall where you pin pictures of interest to you.) I wondered where anyone would ever find anything to pin here. Do you go online to browse the internet for things to pin? And how could you ever figure out whose accounts to follow other than your friends’?

In the four days since I joined, I’ve received an average of four emails per day, informing me of a new follower to my pins. All from friends, of course, who are probably just doing the courteous thing to welcome me to another procrastination device. What has struck me, though, is the response those email notifications evoked in me…

Seemingly out of nowhere, I found myself thinking about my audience. How shall I portray myself to them? What impression would I like for them to have of me based on my pins? Before I was even aware of it, I got caught up in fabricating an image of myself for a pass-time I’m not even certain I’ll keep up with!

This realization has spurred many, many thoughts that I’ll probably come back to flesh out at some point here…How to find the balance between decorum and authenticity…Self-image versus projected persona…My blogging philosophy…Leadership when you actually have followers…The wall versus the timeline on facebook…etc etc etc…

So anyway, I’m on Pinterest…for now Let me know if you’d like an invitation!

My favorite time of the week, and the best part of Sabbath is Friday evening, after vespers. When I come home (or the guests leave); I bid my roommate goodnight; and then just spend time alone with Jesus. There’s nothing like it! It’s my absolute favorite time of the week

“God, if You’re there, I wish You’d show me
And God if You care then I need You to know me
I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions…”

My brother (whom I love and adore!) used to torment me as a child. He slapped me around to make me tougher. Made me sing while running to increase my lung capacity. Threatened to make me read the book of Revelation, which, back then, I thought was just full of scary monsters! All of these things made me a stronger person. One of the greatest gifts he gave me, though, was permission to question my faith.

You’ll understand, that for a young girl who grew up in the church, questions like, “Does God even really exist?” can be traumatizing. So, when he would bring up like topics, I’d fight really hard to dismiss them from my mind. “How do you know that what you believe is the truth?” “What if the Bible isn’t actually God’s Word?”

The scariest thing about these questions was the possibility that my answers would contradict the faith I had been raised in. What if I came to the conclusion that God didn’t exist? What if my church wasn’t God’s true church? Or what if the Bible wasn’t the inspired Word of God? I was afraid to ask the questions…

Memory fails me for the timeline, but I remember, at some point during my early teens, my parents told me that if ever I found that the church I grew up in did not follow the Bible, I should leave and join a church that does. They were both converts to the faith. They raised me in the church they believed to be true to the Word of God, but my allegiance was not to be to this church. Rather, I was to be true to God’s Word, even if it led me out of the faith I’d been raised in.

Who knows how serious they were with that liberty? But at least it gave me a freedom that engendered security. You’d have to be confident in what you believe to allow your child to question it. Ooh, or maybe it was reverse psychology…so I wouldn’t actually ask the questions? I started asking them anyway. With a lot of fear at first…hoping I’d end up where I’d started; then with greater confidence that asking was the right thing to do.

The God I believe in is the kind of God who wants to be known – hence, the Bible. He does everything He can to disclose Himself to humanity (Hebrews 1:1-3). Assuming He exists and that this is true of Him, then why wouldn’t He answer my sincere questions?

Rather than spending my life afraid to look into legitimate matters that present themselves to my thoughts for consideration, I’ve embraced the questions. So far, I still believe that God exists. I still believe in the Bible as His inspired Word. And I am still a part of the faith I was brought up in. I hope to remain intellectually honest as time progresses, to remain true to myself and to the things I believe to be true.

The refrain to Chris Rice’s song ends:

“I hope You don’t mind me askin’ the questions
But I figure You’re big enough
I figure You’re big enough…”

Along with runners’ high, though, I found runners’ knee. You see, when I first started running, I could only go so far before my heart was beating so hard I thought it’d pop out of my chest. But after several weeks, I was doing 2miles, easy. My goal was a 5k for Thanksgiving.

That didn’t happen, because I was too busy spending time with friends on Thanksgiving, so I went out to make up for it the next day. It was a beautiful day. Sun shining, uncharacteristically for so near December. Cool enough to feel thoroughly invigorating. Warm enough for just a t-shirt. I’d done about 3miles but I felt like I could just keep on going!

So, I did. I kept running. That was my longest run yet. Pathetic, I know, for those marathoners out there, but an accomplishment for little me! I wondered how far I could go before getting tired. And the little pain in my left knee…it’d go away once I stopped, right?

I upped the distance too drastically…probably didn’t even realize my form disintegrating the longer I ran. So, here I am, 2months later…that pain in my left knee…not gone!

It was so beautiful yesterday, I took a break in the middle of the day to go for a run. I almost completed a mile before my knee started complaining again. Argh. It’s so frustrating! Now that my heart can do it, my body won’t.

As I limped home, upset with my body, I realized something. My knee is as much a part of my body, as is my heart. When my heart was too weak to go the distance, I worked with it. I took the time to condition it, to strengthen it, so that it could endure. Why then, was I so short fused when it came to my knee? It was my neglect, in the first place, that led to its pain.

Reminded me of the sermon at church 2weeks ago “The Same Spirit.”

You know what else? When my heart was too weak, I would say that, “I cannot run more than a quarter mile.” But now that it’s my knee limiting me, I say, “My knee won’t let me run more than a mile.” It’s as if I’d embraced a certain dualism with regards to my being. A flawed dualism! Or is dualism, in essence flawed?

So it’s nice outside again today. But I won’t be going for a run. I finally acquiesced and bought a knee brace. If my knee can’t do it, then I can’t do it because my knee and me, we are one.

I had an awesome day Friday! After going to the office and putting in a productive 2hrs, I came home to finish unpacking my room, which I hadn’t finished unpacking since moving in August last year (ahem). Aaaand, I actually worked through the stacks that were piling up, neatly against my wall…I even got to the stuff under my bed . Before sundown, I’d cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed my room and was on my way to take a shower! I like taking a shower just as the sun sets, symbolically washing away the cares of the week for a fresh start.

I’d had an awesome devotion in the morning – thinking about Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross as I studied through the Sabbath school lesson study guide faithfully last week (ps: faithfully is the operative word because I’m usually not so faithful with that…ahem, ahem). It was one of those days that you spend the day with Jesus, just thinking of Him, talking to Him, praying about anything and everything that comes to mind. So throughout the day, I’d been making commitments for my relationship with God and some difficult decisions I hadn’t been ready to make until then. And top it off with good fellowship and an awesome Bible study in the evening in spite of treacherously snowy roads, for an awesome Friday.

Sabbath morning, the lesson study gelled together and I figured out how I would approach the class. One of those days that you’re excited to be the teacher because you learnt so much during the week and you figured out a way to lead the class to the revelations God had given you. So, believe it or not, I was out of my apartment around 9am though Sabbath school starts at 10 and it’s a 20-25min commute. I even had enough time to clean my neighbors car while warming my car up!

On the way I mused about my windshield crack that doubled in size in just one night a week back. Regretting not having taken it to the windshield repair people during the summer, I wondered if it would crack all the way to the end and then spontaneously shatter as I’m driving one day. At this juncture, I’d probably need to have the entire thing replaced…I’m too poor argh, but if it was a safety thing I’d have to do it huh. A stitch in time saves nine!

Traffic was slowing down ahead and I wondered if I could come to a full stop without bumping the person ahead of me. The road was a little slick so I looked to the left lane for safety in case I needed to switch over. But there was a pick-up truck coming at a speed that wouldn’t allow me to switch over…I’d just have to make the stop. Uttering a quick prayer I pumped my brakes and with 12feet between me and the car ahead, I was confident enough of safety to thank God for preventing a fender bender. It would have been so inconvenient to have to exchange information etc.

Just as the praise was escaping my lips, I noticed the pick-up truck in the fast lane, still going a little too fast, in my estimation. I mentally commented on how folk in larger vehicles are often too confident about how well their cars can handle slick conditions. Then the driver must have stepped on their brakes pretty suddenly because I saw the back of the truck fishtail in the direction of the median and thought, “I hope he doesn’t hit me when he swings back this way.”

Impact. At the front end of my car. The orientation of my vehicle shifted ninety degrees to the right and I was headed for the trailer of a Walmart semi truck at a standstill next to me. “I’ve always wondered if you could go all the way under one of these…”

Impact. As the glass begun to shatter, I let go of the steering wheel, bowed down my head and covered it with my hands, made sure I didn’t have my foot on the brake or accelerator so I wouldn’t step on the wrong one at the wrong time. I felt glass spraying.

Impact. I wondered if I’d gone all the way under the semi and was hitting a wall on the other side. That’d be totally radical! But I was still in motion. I reminded myself to relax like a drunkard to avoid more injuries than necessary…

Impact. Probably the greatest impact yet on the front end drivers side. I wasn’t moving anymore. Car still running. Oh, I should check for the smell of gas. That was ridiculous! Why do I still have my head covered? I think it’s over. Wait, I’m actually alive. Do I feel pain anywhere? I wonder where I ended up…

“Are you ok, ma’am?” There were three gentlemen, each stopped independently to find out if I was alright. Taking my hands off of my head and with a smile on my face, I said “I’m fine.” Haha. And that is the appropriate use of that response!

It was only when they counselled me to get out of the vehicle that I felt the adrenaline response…my entire body was shaking. Why am I shaking, I wondered. Ahhh, it’s the adrenaline! haha. They told me to turn off the car, so I did and put the keys on the seat. I was so glad I picked warmth over class when I chose a coat that morning!

They’d already called 911 and seeing that I was ok, one of them left me their phone number as they drove off. Oh no, I was going to miss Sabbath school I called someone and asked him to find a cover for me teaching class that morning stating that I’d been in a little accident (I didn’t want people making a fuss). I told him I was fine!

Looking at my shattered windshield, I thought, What a way to answer my ramblings about the crack in my windshield…I guess I will need a new one altogether!

Fire department came and helped the Walmart guy across the street so he could take pictures of my car for the record. He was so nice and made me think better of Walmart now. When he put his fatherly arm around my shoulders, I thought I was about to break down and cry. But why? Ahh, shock…I must be like in shock, I thought to myself. But I couldn’t start crying now…not when I needed to try and think straight. So I released myself from his arm as he told me that he saw the whole thing! Thank God!

The firemen let me sit in their truck as we waited for the cops to come and take a crash report. We waited for 2hrs…The wreckers waited too…In the meantime, I asked a friend to come and get me. We made it to the last 30mins of a sermon on how we need every part of the body.

I’ve been warned about the PTSD and the aches that show up 2days later…oh, and the pieces of shattered glass that will continue to turn up in random places…For now, I’m just trying to get it out of my hair!

This is the report. Reflections to follow And here are some pictures…

Probably the scariest view of my car...

What the windshield looked like on the inside

Shattered glass on the front seats...there was some all the way to the back seat too

Not sure what I hit to get that dent

Lost half of my rear bumper...fireman had to get it from the middle of the highway

View of the accident from inside the fire truck

Lesson #1

Love at first sight does, indeed, exist

Okay, well, maybe not love at first sight, really…because you grow to love someone. But, to adopt a well-coined phrase, “recognition of potential at initial observation” or “ropaio” can actually happen. What happens after the ropaio is another story Taking a broad sweep of my year, this lesson came at a time when my belief in romantic love and subsequent marriage was waning. I still think that Hollywood and its rom-com industry has done my generation a great disservice, but now I believe, again, that God can write even better love stories!

Lesson #2

Unfaithfulness to God is never self-contained

The decisions we make in the privacy of our own minds have repercussions in the world of our influence. The reality of every individuals influence is an exciting notion when we are leading others in the right direction. On the other hand, it becomes a bitter pill when those we care about are hurt by our bad choices. It’s never just about me.

Lesson #3

My parents are human

A child’s parents are as God to them; their word is law; they are provider. I was blessed to be raised by God-fearing parents and it’s easy to, in a sense, idolize “perfect” parents. But one of the marks of mature adulthood is a healthy relationship with your parents. They make mistakes. They hurt each other and they hurt you. They can no longer provide for your needs. You may even disagree with them at times. And yet, in spite of these things, you still love and honor them.

So simple now that I’ve summarized them, but it took a painful year filled with disappointment and regret to learn these lessons. To be fair, I also experienced encouragement to buttress the disappointment, salvation for my regrets and hope that runs deeper than the pain.
I have a new determination coming out of my 2011 experience, and that is that no matter what 2012 brings, I want to go it with Jesus!